A view from a distance

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by Barb, writing in Maine, where the weather has been so beautiful this summer it’s almost hard to believe

Here we are for the third in my series of posts about what I’ve learned after putting in my 10,000 hours writing mysteries.

  • The first in the series, The Voice, is here.
  • The second, It’s the emotion, stupid, is here.

This time I’m writing about narrative distance.

From time to time, I’m asked to review manuscripts by pre-published writers. Often this is as a part of a conference in which people can pay for manuscript reviews, or in association with a group, like the Sisters in Crime Guppies. (Great UnPublished)

One of the two most common issues I see is narrative distance. Too often I see the insertion of “distancing” words. Like this:

I wondered what he was doing down by the dock by himself. My mind reeled at the idea he might be guilty. I believed him to be a good man. His reputation alone placed him above suspicion. I’d known him a long time. I’d thought he was my friend.

Nothing wrong with that, right? We’ve all read books like that, which is why those words unspool so easily from our minds when we’re writing. But most of the books we’ve read that use this style of narration are older. Modern commercial fiction is most often written in a very close point of view.

Words like “wondered,” “believed,” “my mind,” “idea,” “might,” and “thought” place distance between the point of view character and the narrative. And between the narrative and the reader. You probably don’t use those words when you’re talking to yourself in your head.

Try this:

Jack was alone by the dock. Did he kill Esme? No. He was a good man with a solid reputation. More than that, he was my friend.

When I coach writers to remove all those distancing words, what I am really saying is– remove the distance. Try to get as deep inside the character as you can. Crime fiction requires readers to understand what the POV character, particularly the protagonist, is observing, how they’re processing the information they’re getting, and how they feel about it. The best way to do this is for the narration to come from the inside, looking out. Not to come from somewhere above, looking down.

This works in the third person as well.

He walked along, muttering, watching his step on the rocky path. He thought about Esme. It was hard to grasp that she was truly dead. Like all life partners he’d imagined her death before, what it would be like to go on without her. Somehow it hadn’t prepared him for the reality.

Try this:

His boot slid on the steep, rocky path. He sucked air over his teeth, his arms pinwheeling. For a moment, until he regained his footing, his body was as unsettled as his mind. “Esme is dead. Esme is dead. Esme is dead.” It was unreal, illusive. In his head but not in his bones. Not in his heart. The times he’d imagined his life without her flooded back, closing his throat with guilt and shame. It hadn’t been like this. Not at all.

Am I giving you a rule? “Narration must be in very close POV.” No. As you’ll find out in future posts, I hate it when one writer tells others how they must write. In the examples above you can probably think of lots of places the narrative might have landed in between the two extremes, or beyond them. You might even want to play with distance, closer for a protagonist, farther for another POV character.

Here is my advice: Think about distance. Be aware as you write. If something seems wrong, if beta readers or your writing group aren’t responding as you’d hoped, if agents are saying, “I’m just not in love with the main character,” check the distance. Maybe you’re too far away.

Readers: We have such educated readers. You know what point of view characters are, and the difference between first person and third person narration. But do you ever think about narrative distance? Or is it one of those things that is most successful if you don’t notice it? Writers, do you think about narrative distance?

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Published by Barbara Ross

Barbara Ross is the author of twelve Maine Clambake Mystery novels and six novellas. Her books have been nominated for multiple Agatha Awards for Best Contemporary Novel and have won the Maine Literary Award for Crime Fiction. She lives in Portland, Maine. Readers can visit her website at www.maineclambakemysteries.com

43 Thoughts

  1. Another great teaching essay, Barb. Thank you.

    I’ve had the same kinds of comments when I do manuscript critiques, but I also still have to watch for adding narrative distance in my own writing.

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    1. Agree. Distance is related to Showing and Not Telling. The more distance the less detail, just like in real life. I often think of those distant stuff like the B Roll or establishing shots. Those are often from a distance, the equivalent of Telling.

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  4. Top notch thoughts and advice, Barb. I had a mentor who early on taught me about distance and it is something I’m always on the lookout for.
    Keep the lessons coming!

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    1. Thanks so much J.C.! It’s good to get such a lesson early on, though writing fiction is such a complex So task, I found I often had to learn in layers. Something that seemed daunting or I couldn’t comprehend early on, often made sense only later after more experience.

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  5. I’m a reader, not a writer, so all of the topics you are writing about are new to me. I love learning why I’m more captivated by some books than others. Thank you for the education.

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      1. I noticed these “distancing” words had a way “telling” the reader while the closer examples showed the reader. Would love to hear more about distance vs. close POV.

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      2. Yes–distance is often telling, while closeness is often showing. As I said in my reply to Dru, the farther you are the less detail you see. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I often think of those distance/telling sentences/paragraphs, as “establishing shots,” like the B roll in a movie.

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  7. Such a great post. I wonder if I should go through my WIP and check for those words. Ha! I will go through it. But I don’t like it when a character poses too many questions in a row. So sometimes I’ve settled for an “I wonder.”

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  8. This is a concept I’ve never heard of before. From your examples, I can see how getting rid of distance is definitely better. Not that either example is wrong, but the second ones pull you in more. I wonder if that is what is going on with the books I struggle to get into.

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  9. Barb, your examples pull this explanation right into the category of ‘A-ha!’ Wonderful. Thank you.

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  11. I don’t think about it. But I do notice when I just don’t feel “connected” to the characters. Occasionally my critique partners will say they want to see more of what the character is thinking or feeling, though. I’ve never thought of it in terms of “distance,” but that is probably what it is.

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    1. It might be. I struggled so much with this in my first book. I always thought is was obvious what my POV character would be thinking and how they would react in a given situation. It took me a long time to “get it.” Anne Lamott writes something about “ideas so subtle I forgot to write them down.” I’ve never been able to re-find the actual quote but it means a lot to me.

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      1. That was one of my most frequent critique comments from my group when I was starting out. “Shouldn’t we see how she reacts to that big thing that just happened?” Me: “Oops. I know her reaction, I just forgot to write it down!”

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  12. This is a fantastic short lesson. I write third person POV and the way you’ve explained shortening that narrative distance is so helpful! Thank you!

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  14. Calling out the distancing words, then giving practical examples hit home for me. THANK YOU from a still-learning newbie writer!!!

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  15. Of course. The idea of close third person had been around a fairly long time. Your examples give the sense of it but could be tighter.

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  17. Such an important tool, narrative distance. In the revision process, I always look for words I tend to repeat, but also those that create unnecessary distance — thought, believed, felt, and more. Thanks for the reminder and the examples.

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  18. Wonderful sage advice! Love your books. Love everything you write: novels, blog posts, writing tips!

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